An Irrational Remedy

Today...

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 00:18:34 GMT

I don't usually talk about my church experience. It's not that I'm trying to hide the fact that I go to church. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do, that Christ is the center of my life, and that I try to express His love to others in ways that don't push them away. That being said, I still don't talk about my church experience very much. I imagine that it is difficult for most of my LJ friends to relate to it.
I'm sharing about it today, though, because I feel like I need to. To put it into context, here's some honesty. I have been going through a dark time in my life, lately. For those of you who don't know, my marriage is in serious trouble. I have dedicated my life to it, but my efforts are, apparently, not enough. I don't feel like I can get into causes right now, and I certainly don't want to cast blame.
It hurts though. It hurts because I love my wife and family so much more than I know how to describe. It hurts because I am uncertain as to how my relationship with my children, my boys, specifically, will survive. It hurts because I believe in marriage so much, and the fact that mine is failing is just completely overwhelming.
So, why the mention of church? I can't say exactly why things happened the way they did, but to use a little bit of Christian vernacular that will be completely baffling to anyone else that reads my LJ but me, God showed up. He showed up. Not in a way that miraculously fixes my life or the lives of others involved, but He showed up in the way that I think shows the most evidence of His love.
To describe the whole situation would be difficult at best, but the end result was that there were a great many people who had their lives touched in a very personal way today. All humans, every single one of us, if we believe God exists at all, wonder whether or not He hears us when we are crying out. We wonder if the maker of the stars hears our solitary voices, or if they are lost in the sea of pain around us. (Borrowing imagery from a song, "Hold My Heart," by Tenth Avenue North.)
Today, it just felt like we got an answer. A gut wrenching, weeping cry of love swept over our church today. Though all of us touched by it had always believed that God knew us, loved us, heard us, cared about us, to really have Him hit you with a dose of that love is something that I just have no idea how to describe.
Like I said before, it didn't magically fix things. I can't speak for what exactly it did for anyone else. For me, though, it brought me into a place of mercy, of forgiveness, and peace, if just for a little while. Those affected by this call had a refuge. We could be weak for a little bit, broken for a little bit, weep for a little bit, and we knew, absolutely knew, that God could hear it all, and was loving us through it all.
I have always believed I could turn to the Lord for strength and healing. He has always provided it, has picked me up time and time again when I have fallen. Today, though, was a powerful reminder of His proximity.

Bewilderment...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:58:59 GMT

I don't understand how anyone, anyone at all, would willingly choose a person who emits hate and anger over someone who constantly strives to show love and support.

I am so tired.

Calling out...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:00:18 GMT

Once again, keeping things brief. On top of all the personal issues that I and my family are going through right now, I just got fired from my job. Right before Christmas.

It was for completely illegitimate reasons, but I am, nevertheless, without a job.

I am hoping someone, anyone, knows of some opening somewhere for someone with a great deal of Customer Service and office experience, including busy call center experience. I also have security experience and a Class A CDL.

Please, help.

- Aaron

Edit: I've already filled out an online application with the company that jconstantine works for. I'm hoping someone will take a look at it quickly.

Holding On...

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:12:21 GMT

Folks, I'm going to keep this short. I'm in a really bad place right now. I can't get into what is going on. Suffice it say that everything that I love is really being threatened right now by internal forces, and it's taking its toll on me.

I've put up a brave, stoic front, tried to convince myself and others that things are going to be okay, but I just don't think that is going to be true.

I will hold on. There's no danger of me doing something crazy. That's not who I am. I still have faith, and I trust that there is a reason behind everything that's going on, and that I can move from this bad situation on to a better one. My relationship with God has been what has been giving me strength to make it this far.

Perhaps that is the whole reason for all of it, so that He can move me on to something better. It doesn't feel that way, and right now, it is hard to trust. But I choose to, nevertheless.

Anyway, please, don't ask me to tell you what's going on. I can't, at least, not yet. But I really, really need your support and prayer right now. Somehow, the people that I've met that frequent LJ have shown me more love and compassion than others that should know better. I am asking for that once again.

Edit:

Psalm 31:1-5

1 In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame;

deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,

come quickly to my rescue;

be my rock of refuge,

a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from all that is set for me,

for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;

redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

- Aaron

takhisis and jconstantine have to see this...

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:17:37 GMT

My stepdaughter, Natalie, is such an incredible artist. There are no words really. Examples.

One: A Black and White of Natalie

Two: Natalie's rendering of said photo "in blue"

sigh

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:44:56 GMT

Not only did I have to drive all day for work, but when I get ready to go home, I find my car has a completely flat right front tire. Since my spare and all my tire changing equipment was stolen and we have not been able to replace it yet, I'm stuck for a bit.

There are just some days.

Even so, I will bless the name of the Lord. It's a beautiful day, and my tire quit here and not on the highway.

Short Update

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:21:48 GMT

Things have been crazy, to say the least, at the Knight house lately. We've been dealing with what we've been given, though it hasn't been easy. That said, the craziness prompted Jenny and me both to make some changes. My boss has finally given me a schedule that allows me to be home at night with my family. It's an adjustment, but it has been needed for a long time. Jenny has started work on getting a certificate in the medical assistant field, something she's wanted for a long time, but we've now been prompted to just step up and do. It'll mean a real, truly worthwhile job for her eventually, and perhaps will enable me to finally finish school myself in the near future. We'll see. There's a great deal to share, but I'm already out of time. More to come when possible.

- Aaron

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:46:28 GMT

Really exhausted but I can't sleep. Common symptom over last few days.

Pretty appropriate lyrics...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:43:51 GMT

Tenth Avenue North
Hold My Heart

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?

How long 'til I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees Father
Will you turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart

One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid,
Afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way I'm done asking why
I'm on my knees Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees Father, will you run to me

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:59:47 GMT

Thanks to everybody who has been praying for us. Still can't say much, but the Knight family is going to survive. Long road ahead, but we've got the three things that always remain, which are faith, hope, and love.

Thanks everyone. Love you all.

- Aaron

Prayers...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 01:28:51 GMT

I can't say much. Things are tough around the Knight household these days. I love you folks, and would appreciate all your prayers right now. Talk at you all later.

- Aaron

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 01:15:57 GMT

Jars of Clay
"Show Love"

Speak
And say the words that no one else will ever say
Love - love like the world we know is over in a day

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

You're beautiful
And I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright
To separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea
This is the cost of being free

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

Random conversation with Mel (takhisis)...

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:12:31 GMT

Participants:
-------------
Aaron Knight, Mel Hynes

Messages:
---------
Aaron Knight: May for kittens! Yes, I'm a little slow. Good thing I didn't go and buy you one like I thought about doing...
Aaron Knight: Yay... Yay for kittens.
Aaron Knight: Not "may"
Aaron Knight: Cause that makes no sense...
Mel Hynes: Hee
Mel Hynes: Unless they were born then ;)
Aaron Knight: Stupid auto spelling corrector. Still hasn't learned context. But yes, they could be may kittens! That's what I meant all along!
Aaron Knight: Sings song
Aaron Knight: May is for kitties
Aaron Knight: That's good enough for me
Aaron Knight: /end Cookie Monster
Mel Hynes: Hahaha
Mel Hynes: Good save
Aaron Knight: Silliness saves the day!

6 Years!

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:36:49 GMT

Yesterday was my 6th wedding anniversary!

We're doing great!

It came at the end of a weekend that, well, to call it packed would be an understatement.

My sister got married Saturday at 1 p.m. Note, I didn't get off work 'til 11, so, I had to run home, shower, throw on clothes, and somehow make it to my parents' house in time. Somehow, it worked out. I will give credit to my incredible wife, as she had all the kids ready to go, and we were literally able to get in the car and go right as soon as I was dressed.

The next day, Sunday, we celebrated Ian's birthday. The boys had a blast, swimming in my parents' little pool, playing in their backyard, and generally living it up. Ian opened some presents, ate some cake and ice cream, and just generally had a good party!

That left us with just the anniversary day itself, which wasn't really my idea of an ideal anniversary, so I booked us a little getaway next weekend.

Celebrating a week late is okay. We're kind of used to going with the flow.

Write back if you can! I kind of miss everyone!

Relational Thing...

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:23:42 GMT

A friend of mine, or, at least, someone that I have always considered a friend, spoke at my church today. Marcus Foster and I grew up in sort of the same circles (sort of), experiencing our younger days at Grace Vineyard Christian Fellowship in Arlington. As he spoke, Marcus showed his characteristic depth, digging into the word and opening up fresh revelation in it.

Still, something else struck me. I spoke about it briefly to Jenny on the way home from church, but I have been pondering it since then. Anytime people of my own generation get up to speak at my church, I am reminded of the number of truly incredible people I’ve been blessed to meet over the years. I have been astounded again and again by the way God works circumstances to bring people together. I, in particular, have been thrown into the midst of a most interesting group of people, with little warning beforehand as to what God really had in store. (I thought I was going after a girl, God had different ideas, it’s a long story…)

On the other hand, I am often plagued with a sense of regret. I know I am loved, both by God and my incredible friends, but I often wonder how many people I have come across that I have simply not taken the time to pursue relationship with. I am reminded of the times when I have seen someone I know and have simply not opened my mouth to even say a simple hello. I wonder how often the simplest reminder of love and care might have helped lift someone’s spirits, but I didn’t reach out.

I wonder if I have been too frightened or too closed, too worried about my own issues, to concerned with my own shortcomings. I wonder if it shows outwardly. And then, all too often, someone I would give my right arm to know and share some kind of relationship or friendship with is right within arm’s reach, and I just don’t do anything. All too often, I think of people that I care for dearly, and I don’t even have the power to even pick up a phone.

This kind of thing weighs on me.

There have been times, I know for certain, that I have allowed bitterness to get in the way of healing some relationships that could have been healed. Unfortunately, I am worried that that same bitterness has crept into my soul, blinding me to the opportunities I am presented with to form bonds with people. I have isolated myself, somehow.

There is a discontent within my soul about the state of my relationships with others, both my friends, and the people that I could have known as friends but somehow missed the mark with. I intend to change the circumstances, but I confess that I am woefully inadequate for the task in so many ways. Good relationships require a certain amount of vulnerability and openness. I’m bad at that. I am good at accepting the vulnerabilities of others, good at empathy, but I am not so good at being transparent myself. It’s hard. Really, really hard.

God, give me grace, peace, and strength.

Well Done...

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:48:20 GMT

Matthew 25: 14-28 tells the well known and often quoted parable of the talents. In it Jesus used the story of three servants, two of whom were faithful with the wealth that their master gave them stewardship over, and were then rewarded, and one of whom was not, and was punished, to make a point about using whatever gifts you have wisely and with the purpose of gaining more for Him, no matter how great or small the initial gifts seem.

I want my life to be one worthy of the exclamation "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I think about these things at 5:45 a.m.

Little Love Note...

Sun, 31 May 2009 22:22:14 GMT

I don't know why the urge to write a quick note about this came over me so strongly right now, but it has, so here I am. We all go through times in our lives that we can't seem to see our way out of. There are times when we feel inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, unnecessary, even a burden on those we love and care for.

I feel the need to say two things. The first is this. I've been there, more often than I like to admit. I've experienced some pretty dark times. I've done things I'm not proud of, said things I'm not proud of, experienced some pretty deep self loathing. That's where the second thing comes in. It often takes me a bit too long, stewing in the darkness of my own soul, but I finally stumble to my knees. That's when I find that that's what I could have done from the very beginning. I could have gone to my knees immediately, and immediately, the strength and serenity to walk on through the valley would have been mine.

Again, I don't really know why I felt compelled to write this short little love note tonight. But if you are out there, stumbling through one of those dark valleys, I want you to know something.

You are not alone. You can lean on me, if you want to. I promise you that I will lean on God, and maybe, all together, we can get through whatever it is we're going through.

HOLD ME, JESUS
by RICH MULLINS

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

The Vision...

Mon, 04 May 2009 17:16:13 GMT

So, back in 1999, a man by the name of Pete Greig in the UK was instrumental in starting a movement of prayer. His idea was simply people praying, all the time, 24-7, prayer without ceasing. (The movement is called, for obvious reasons, the 24-7 prayer movement. Look it up online.)

He described what he was thinking about when he started the whole thing to someone who asked in this way. (Some of you who know me have read this before.)

The Vision

by Pete Greig

1999

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism. They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names.

Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.

Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials.

The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them.

Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

They pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.

Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.

They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.

Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered,

faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the faith,

from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

I am posting this here again for a reason. Look for an invitation to come from me in the next few weeks. That's all I'll say for now.

Waiting for something...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:44:45 GMT

I don't know what it is. There are some things on my mind to write, to open up some kind of discussion on, but something (and it's not just procrastination) keeps staying my hand.

It could just be the "old man" rising up in me again.

I don't know.

Reminder!

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:37:59 GMT

Hello all! Just wanted to throw a reminder out there that tomorrow we're inviting all of you to come over to our new home at around 4 p.m.! Message me with contact info and I'll send you our address and such. As Johnny Mayall often said, "You WILL be there!"

COME OVER!

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:16:50 GMT

So, I've told several people that I'm going to update on the general state of things at the Knight household.

This is not that update.

It is, however, an official invitation. Not this coming Saturday, which is Easter weekend, but the following Saturday, my wife and I will be hosting a get together at our new home. We are inviting anyone who wishes to come. It wil be informal, no big deal, just a way of getting as many of our friends and loved ones as possible to show up together and hang out with us. We will be providing pizza from the best pizza place I know of, Joe's Pizza, and non-alchoholic beverages. (*HINT* Should you wish to bring alchoholic beverages of your own, we will not object. *HINT*)

The time is tentatively set for things to get going at 4 p.m. Once again, things will be informal, so come and go as you please. Should you wish to know where I live, e-mail me and I will send you all my contact info. My e-mail address is jgbasar AT hotmail DOT com.

Anyway, we love you all, and hope to see you there!

P.S. All you folks in jconstantine 's Trinity game, you can't use that as an excuse. I've already spoken with him, you see. Since he plans to be at my house on that day, YOU MUST ALL BE THERE OR FACE MY WRATH! *cherubic smile*

Just a Dresden reminder...

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:06:40 GMT

OUT TOMORROW! Give Butcher his due, folks!

Okay, so...

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 23:15:15 GMT

Going to try to keep this quick. There are quite a few things on my mind, but I haven't been able to get back into the process of writing. I think I need some actual conversation before I get back into the in depth style I once had. Still, a quick update is in order.

The move last weekend went really well. My friend Dustin, my sister's fiance Michael, and my parents all pitched in to help. I had literally just the day before been cleared to be back on my feet after a two week long battle with a leg infection, but nevertheless, I was able to fully commit myself. We rocked the moving. Despite the cold, despite the wet, we did it all in that one day. I cannot thank Dustin, Michael, and my parents for helping us so much. They were heroes, truly, and I am not saying that in jest.

The next day, Sunday, we skipped church due to exhaustion. When we finally dragged ourselves out of bed, we spent the day organizing and cleaning. Once again, we got an incredible amount of work done. Suffice it to say, at this point, we are already done unpacking.

There's more, including a bunch of little battles that one finds when moving into a previously owned house, but I can't describe how blessed we are. Now, to invite over company! Well, you all heard me! Come on over!

Long overdue update...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:26:34 GMT

So...

It's been a long time.

Again.

I'm just going to jump right into it in outline format to keep from boring you with a long story.

- Still moving Saturday. (Anybody able to help, let me know!)
- Have been overcoming a bad infection in my left leg.
- Lost two weeks worth of work due to said infection.
- Have been contacted out of the blue by a dear friend that I haven't heard from in literally years.
- Joshua turning 5 in exactly a week.
- Saw Watchmen last weekend. I am still rather stunned. *drool*
- Favorite quote from said movie is a toss up between two.:
Rorschach: "You people don't understand. I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me!

The other quote that I love is one that I can't find an exact duplicate of on the web, but it's a fantastic scene where Dr. Manhattan realized that while he may not have once believed in miracles, after seeing into Silk Spectre II's past, he recognizes that just her very existence as herself is a miracle. It made him believe in saving the human race again. i loved that quote.

Anyway, there's so much more to tell, but I wanted to give you the bones of things that have been going on.

Watchmen, anyone?

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:38:41 GMT

Understanding that mr_rubix has previous plans, isanyone else up at all for going to see Watchmen tonight? We haven't gone a group movie thing in a while, but I thought I'd ask.

Anyway, just thought I'd ask. It's WATCHMEN after all.