Relational Thing...

A friend of mine, or, at least, someone that I have always considered a friend, spoke at my church today. Marcus Foster and I grew up in sort of the same circles (sort of), experiencing our younger days at Grace Vineyard Christian Fellowship in Arlington. As he spoke, Marcus showed his characteristic depth, digging into the word and opening up fresh revelation in it.

Still, something else struck me. I spoke about it briefly to Jenny on the way home from church, but I have been pondering it since then. Anytime people of my own generation get up to speak at my church, I am reminded of the number of truly incredible people I’ve been blessed to meet over the years. I have been astounded again and again by the way God works circumstances to bring people together. I, in particular, have been thrown into the midst of a most interesting group of people, with little warning beforehand as to what God really had in store. (I thought I was going after a girl, God had different ideas, it’s a long story…)

On the other hand, I am often plagued with a sense of regret. I know I am loved, both by God and my incredible friends, but I often wonder how many people I have come across that I have simply not taken the time to pursue relationship with. I am reminded of the times when I have seen someone I know and have simply not opened my mouth to even say a simple hello. I wonder how often the simplest reminder of love and care might have helped lift someone’s spirits, but I didn’t reach out.

I wonder if I have been too frightened or too closed, too worried about my own issues, to concerned with my own shortcomings. I wonder if it shows outwardly. And then, all too often, someone I would give my right arm to know and share some kind of relationship or friendship with is right within arm’s reach, and I just don’t do anything. All too often, I think of people that I care for dearly, and I don’t even have the power to even pick up a phone.

This kind of thing weighs on me.

There have been times, I know for certain, that I have allowed bitterness to get in the way of healing some relationships that could have been healed. Unfortunately, I am worried that that same bitterness has crept into my soul, blinding me to the opportunities I am presented with to form bonds with people. I have isolated myself, somehow.

There is a discontent within my soul about the state of my relationships with others, both my friends, and the people that I could have known as friends but somehow missed the mark with. I intend to change the circumstances, but I confess that I am woefully inadequate for the task in so many ways. Good relationships require a certain amount of vulnerability and openness. I’m bad at that. I am good at accepting the vulnerabilities of others, good at empathy, but I am not so good at being transparent myself. It’s hard. Really, really hard.

God, give me grace, peace, and strength.